Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")

Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have An additional spot the place American Gentlemen can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, Trump Tower Damascus The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is by now attracting interest from Global buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to see a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel the place my PTSD might have convert-down services."

A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports propose:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."